List of W. C. Fields Quotes

The Funniest Thing A Comedian Can Do Is Not Do It.

I Was Almost Put Out Of Business By A Well-meaning Corpse.

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's House Unless They Have A Well-stocked Bar.

The Low-ceiling Price Bazaar For Sexual Relief Was A Street Called Middie Alley. You Could Barely Get A Pushcart Through This Avenue. Top Price-twenty-five Cents.

I'm Searching For Loopholes.

After Two Days In The Hospital, I Turn To The Nurse.

The Movie People Would Have Nothing To Do With Me Until They Heard Me Speak In A Broadway Play, Then They All Wanted To Sign Me For The Silent Movies.

If I Had My Life To Live Over Again, I'd Live Over A Saloon.

I Write My Scripts Short And They Develop On The Set, Which I Have Found A Far Better Premise Both Economically And Practically.

Here Is My Best Advice On The Matter Of Deductibles: Just Count Off On Your Fingers All The Items That You Suspect Might Be Deductible - And Then Forget Them, Because They Aren't.

Fields' Reply: He'd Think I Was A Sissy.

It's A Wonderful Thing, The D.t.'s. You Can Travel The World In A Couple Of Hours. You See Some Mighty Funny And Curious Things That Come In Assorted Colors.