Happiness, At My Age, Is Breathing

I Wish I Could Tell You It Gets Better. It Doesn't Get Better. You Get Better.

My Daughter Refuses To Call Me Mother In Public; My Little Grandson Calls Me Spongeslob Squarebottom, And Nobody Else Ever Calls Me At All.

A Study Says Owning A Dog Makes You 10 Years Younger. My First Thought Was To Rescue Two More, But I Don't Want To Go Through Menopause Again.

I've Learned: When You Get Older, Who Cares? I Don't Mince Words, I Don't Hold Back. What Are You Gonna Do To Me? Fire Me? It's Been Done. Threaten To Commit Suicide? Done. Take Away My Show? Done! Not Invite To Me To The Vanity Fair Party? I've Never Been Invited! If I Ever Saw The Invitation, I'd Use It As Toilet Paper.

What Could Be Nicer Than To Have Three Horrible Children Behind You In An Airplane, And The Next Set, You Go Onstage And You Talk About How Much You Despise The Children And What You Would Like To Do To Them On An Airplane? That's The Only Time I Would Gladly Take A Terrorist On. It'd Be Worth It To Get Rid Of These Children.