To The Pessimist The Light At The

I'm At The Top, Top, Top Of My Game Now. I'm So Happy To Be On That Stage, I'm In Control Of It, And I Love Every Minute Of It. I Walk Onstage In Rehearsal And I Start To Smile. And So I Just Don't Care What Anyone Else Is Doing. Do What You Want, Say What You Want. Nobody Else Can Do What I Do Onstage. Nobody.

I Was Just Reading About The New Lindsay Lohan Diet, Which Is All Liquid. 80 Proof.

I Now Consider It A Good Day When I Don't Step On My Boobs.

We Don't Apologize For A Joke. We Are Comics. We Are Here To Make You Laugh. If You Don't Get It, Then Don't Watch Us.

At My Funeral, I Want Meryl Streep Crying In Five Different Accents.