I Went Into The Gas Station, Said,

The Nicest Present I Ever Got Was An Exploding Suppository.

My Classmates Would Copulate With Anything That Moved, But I Never Saw Any Reason To Limit Myself.

Cell Phones Are Like A Dog's Nipples... You Don't Have To Shout Into Them!

I Think It's Good To Know More Than The Average Guy. If I'm In A Bar Now And Some Pretty Girl Is Talking To Some Handsome 24-year-old Man, I'll Say, "okay, Who's The Emperor After Caligula? What Chief Mistake Did Marcus Aurelius Make In Choosing A Successor?" He'll Just Look Like An Idiot. She'll Just Gravitate Toward Me, I'm Thinking. It Works In Detroit.

Santa Fe Is Fun To Visit, But Property There Will Cost You An Arm And A Dillo.