I Was At A Bar Nursing A

I've Always Suffered From A Complete Inability To Sense Who's Important.

I Asked My Girlfriend, 'will You Marry Me?' She Said, 'we'll Have To Ask My Father.' So We Had A Seance And Jack Ruby Says, 'hello!'

He Taught Me Never To Smile, Which Helps Me When I Visit Disaster Sites.

If An Asteroid Is Coming Toward You, You Don't Have To Blow It Up. You Just Have To Slow It Down Long Enough For Our Country To Rotate Out Of The Way.

When I Was A Kid, My Nickname Was Mr. Baseball. Because Of The Stitches.