I Watch The Discovery Channel, And You

The More Discovery Channel You Watch, The Less Chance You Have Of Ever Meeting A Woman. Because It Fills Your Head With Odd Facts That Can Come Out At Any Moment. "hello. Did You Know Hitler Was Ticklish? That Sea Otters Have Four Nipples? Wait - Don't Run Away!"

Why Do They Collect Garbarge At 5am? Why? It's Garbage. It's Not Going To Go Bad Again.

There's A Fine Line Between Masturbating While You Look Out A Window, And Masturbating While You're Looking In A Window. I'll Give You A Hint: One Of 'em Is Super Illegal.

I Like Doing Stand-up And I Love Putting Out Tv Specials.

Never Drink Alone, That's What They Say. But You Know What? If You Drink You Will Never Be Alone, Alright?