If You Take Off Your Pants And

I Keep Getting These People At My Shows Who Only Know Me From Television. I Can Always Tell When They're, Like, Emotionally Flinching When I Start Doing My Jokes.

I Watch The Discovery Channel, And You Know What I've Discovered? I Need A Girlfriend.

Remember When You're Young And You Think Your Dad Is Superman? And Then You Grow Up And Realized He's Just A Drunk Who Wears A Cape.

You Know, Men And Women Are A Lot Alike In Certain Situations. Like When They're Both On Fire - They're Exactly Alike.

The Voice In My Head Has A Stutter, And That's Really Annoying. D-d-d-dave Dave. What? K-k-k-kill Your P-p-p-parents. L-l-l-loa... Write It Down!