I Just Don't Want To Die The

It Was A Dangerous Profession I Had Chosen ... Because No One Likes A Funny Kid. In Fact, Adults Are Scared Silly Of Them And Tend To Warn Children Who Act Out That They Are Going To Wind Up In Prison Or Worse. It Is Only When You Grow Up That They Pay You Vast Sums Of Money To Make Them Laugh.

Just When You Think There's Nothing To Write About, Nixon Says, "i Am Not A Crook." Jimmy Carter Says, "i Have Lusted After Women In My Heart." President Reagan Says, "i Have Just Taken A Urinalysis Test, And I Am Not On Dope."

Writing Humor In My Column Isn't As Dangerous As Performing It. If I Fail In Front Of A Live Audience, The Humiliation Is As Great As Anything A Human Being Can Suffer.

You Can't Make Up Anything Anymore. The World Itself Is A Satire. All You're Doing Is Recording It.

War For Most Men Is Not Fighting Or Marching In Parades. It Is Sitting Around Somewhere Wondering What The Hell You Are Supposed To Be Doing.