A Comedian Sees The World Bent. I'm

I've Had A Few Arguments With People, But I Never Carry A Grudge. You Know Why? While You're Carrying A Grudge, They're Out Dancing.

As A Child My Family's Menu Consisted Of Two Choices: Take It Or Leave It.

When I Do An Hour-and-a-half Show, If I Don't Improvise 20 Minutes Worth Of New Material Each Night, I Feel I've Let Myself Down.

Once When I Was Golfing In Georgia, I Hooked The Ball Into The Swamp. I Went In After It And Found An Alligator Wearing A Shirt With A Picture Of A Little Golfer On It.

I Found Out That If You Made People Laugh, They Like You. Most People Got To Like Me Because I Made Them Laugh. When They Didn't, I Hit Them.