Watching Soccer Just Makes Me Wish I

The World Is Full Of Horrible Things That Will Eventually Get You And Everything You Care About. Laughter Is A Universal Way To Lift Your Head Up And Say: 'not Today, You Bastards.'

I Will Never Understand How A Mother Can Kill Her Own Baby And Not Get Away With It.

My Dad's Been Having A Hard Time Lately. Keeps On Losing His Keys. Can't Hang On To A Set Of Keys To Save His Life. And He Has Tried Everything Too: Little Hook Next To The Door, Little Bowl Next To His Bed, Keychain Makes A Noise When You Whistle. Nothing Worked. So Finally, This Year For His Birthday, The Whole Family Chipped In - And We Put Him In A Home.

When I Was Little, I Would Burn Ants With A Magnifying Glass. But Now That I'm Older, I'm More Of A Cat Guy.

I Prefer To Sleep With Deaf Girls. Those Crazy Chicks Never Have A Safe Word.