I Killed A Squirrel Once With A

Disgusting. I Just Found My Grandpa's Viagra. I Swear, I Almost Puked From Eating So Many.

Every Sunday My Dad Calls To Ask If I Went To Church. And Every Sunday I Lie And Say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

I'm Too Cynical To Be An Optimist.

My Girlfriend Makes Me Want To Be A Better Person... So I Can Get A Better Girlfriend.

I Hated My Mom For Not Letting Me Play Football As A Kid. So When I Have Kids Someday, I Guarantee They'll Never Meet Their Grandmother.