They've Got Great Parents; I'm Just Trying

She, Uh, Came Out Of The Closet Recently, My Niece. Um... She Announced To The Family That She's A Lesbian And... She's Seven, Did I Mention That? And, Uh, I Don't Even Know If She Knows What A Lesbian Is, But I Support Her Completely. And, Uh... I'll Tell You What's Heartbreaking. My Sister Punished Her For It. Can You Believe That? No Pussy For A Week. Which To Us May Not Sound Like... But When You're Seven, You Know, A Week Is A Long Time.

I Was Going To Get An Abortion The Other Day. I Totally Wanted An Abortion. And It Turns Out I Was Just Thirsty.

I Don't Think There Is A Woman In Her 40s Who Doesn't, Kind Of, Examine Herself In The Mirror.

I Just Think Of Myself As A Comedian, Really.

All Comics Want To Be Musicians. There's A Part Of Me That Wants To Be A Serious Musician. I Love Songs About Heartache And Heartbreak.