Please Don't Stand Up On My Account.

As Soon As The War Ended, We Located The One Spot On Earth That Hadn't Been Touched By The War And Blew It To Hell.

Jimmy Stewart Could Have Been A Good Golfer, But He Speaks So Slowly That By The Time He Yells 'fore!' The Guy He's Hit Is Already In An Ambulance On The Way To The Hospital.

He Hits The Ball 130 Yards And His Jewelry Goes 150.

I've Never Wanted An Oscar, Although They Are Reassuring To An Actor Who Doesn't Know How Really Great He Is.

Personally, I Never Drink On Oscar Nights, As It Interferes With My Suffering.