Personally, I Never Drink On Oscar Nights,

I'll Shoot My Age If I Have To Live To Be 105.

I Have This Terrific Make-up Man. But He's Expensive. I Have To Bring Him In From Lourdes.

I Don't Do A Lot Of Political Jokes. Too Many Are Getting Elected.

I Have The Perfect Simplified Tax Form For Government. Why Don't They Just Print Our Money With A Return Address On It?

I Would Not Have Had Anything To Eat If It Wasn't For The Stuff The Audience Threw At Me.