Jesse Joyce Is A Great Writer.

My Day Jobs... I Knew I Was Bad At Those, So I Didn't Really Have The Confidence To Think That I Could Do Comedy. But I Knew I Hated The Day Jobs.

For Me, Molly Hatchet Is High School. It Makes Me Feel Like I Have Hair And A Future.

Everything You Do, Burns Calories. Getting Up In The Morning, 100 Calories; Kicking The Hooker Out Of Your Bed, Another 100; Diapering Your Monkey, 35 Calories; Laughing At A Midget, Fun And 10 Calories; Catching Your Girlfriend With Another Guy, 2000-3000 Calories, Depending On Backswings.

If I Had A Kid, I'd Give Him A Name That Would Make Everyone Would Want To Say His Name. I'd Call Him, Pizza-pussy-santa. I Would! Cause Everybody Likes One Of Those Things.

I Don't Have A Girlfriend But Sometimes I Like To Pretend I Do. I Just Stand In My Apartment Screaming No, That's Not What I Said!