It's Much Easier To Make Jokes About

If I Had A Time Machine I Would Go Back 30 Years And Show Up At My Grandmother's Apartment Before The Gargantuan Meals She Would Serve And I Would Help Her.

I Was Not A Jock In High School. I Know, You're Shocked.

The Most Important Thing Is To Write Material That You Think Is Funny. If You Don't Think It's Funny, But You're Convinced That Other People Will Think It Is, Well They Won't.

I Love The Excess Of Christmas. The Shopping Season That Begins In September, The Bad Pop Star Recordings Of Christmas Carols, The Decorations That Don't Know When To Come Down.

I'm In Fact A Hair Under Six Feet, But I'm Very Svelte. People Would Never See Me If I Turned Sideways.