I'd Make Jack Benny Look Like A

I Used To Go To The Improvisation Comedy Club Every Night In Times Square. How I Didn't Get Killed In That Area Either Means That 1) God Is Watching Over Me Or 2) I Am So Insignificant To God That He Didn't Bother Having Me Killed.

If You're A Lead Actor, People Are Just Waiting To Say 'you're Too Old' Or 'you're Too Unhip.' If You're A Supporting Actor, You Can Just Work Forever.

If I Could Cause World Peace By Taking Someone Out To Lunch, I'd Go, 'well, War Isn't That Terrible.'

Any Misfortune That Happens To Another Person Is Funny. If It Happens To Someone Else And Not Me, It's Very Funny.

Reality Tv Has Totally Destroyed Soap Operas. They're Gone. They Used To Be The Biggest Thing In The World - They're Gone.