I Tolerate Lactose Like I Tolerate People.

Until I Started Doing Standup, There Were Some Very Bleak Days.

Golf And Dating Don't Mix.

All Of A Sudden I Discovered That I'm Allergic To Caviar. It Was The Perfect Metaphor For My Life. When I Was Only Able To Afford Bad Caviar, I Could Certainly Eat My Fill Of It.

I Tell People That I've Now Done One Decent Thing In My Life. Albeit Inadvertently.

Actually I Walk Around With The Emmy Wherever I Go, But I'm Very Casual About It.