I Like To Hold The Microphone Cord

I Walked By A Dry Cleaner At 3 Am, And There Was A Sign: "sorry, We're Closed" You Don't Have To Be Sorry, It's 3 Am, And You're A Dry Cleaner! It Would Be Ridiculous For Me To Expect You To Be Open! I'm Not Gonna Walk In At 10 Am And Say "i Walked By Here At 3 And You Were Closed - Somebody Owes Me An Apology!"

The Commercial For Diet Dr. Pepper Says It Tastes Just Like Regular Dr. Pepper. Well, Then They Screwed Up!

I Used To Drink Wine. This Girl Asked Me, "doesn't Wine Give You A Headache?" "yeah, Eventually, But The First And The Middle Part Are Amazing!"

I Got My Hair Highlighted Because I Felt Some Strands Were More Important Than Others.

I Want To Be A Rebellious Mcdonald's Owner. Cheeseburgers... Nope... We Got Spaghetti!