I'm Sick Of Soup Of The Day,

I Called The Hotel Operator And She Said, "how Can I Direct Your Call?" I Said, "well, You Could Say 'action!', And I'll Begin To Dial. And When I Say 'goodbye', Then You Can Yell 'cut!'"

I Saw Soda Pop For $1.20 A Six Pack. That Price Messes With Your Head. You Start Thinking You're Gonna Sell Soda Pop. Suddenly I've Got Packs Of Pop With Me. "looking To Buy Some Pop? 50 Cents A Can. It's Not Refrigerated Because This Is A Half-assed Commitment!"

The Commercial For Diet Dr. Pepper Says It Tastes Just Like Regular Dr. Pepper. Well, Then They Screwed Up!

I've Never Stayed At A Bed And Breakfast. If I Did, I Figure You Would Start To Get Hungry! "is That All You Got Around Here? Well, Maybe You Can Direct Me To A Chair Lunch Dinner."

I Guess The One-liner Kind Of Comic Sounds Like A Guy Who Can Talk And Talk And Whatever The Subject Is, He Can Pull Out A One-liner, But I Couldn't Do That. I Didn't Like The Association. I Mean, I Love Steven Wright, But So Many People Started Saying "steven Wright" To Me, And I Would Get Mad, Because I Never Wanted To Be Thought Of As Copying Anybody.