I Learned About Sex The Hard Way...

When I Was Ten, My Family Moved To Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I Was Twelve, I Found Them.

I Caught My Wife In Bed With My Best Friend The Other Day. I Was Crushed. They Could Have Waited Till I'd Got Out.

I Saw A Psychologist Once Because I Thought I Had Depression. It Cost Me $100. When I Left, I Realised That There's Nothing He Could Have Said That Would Cheer Me Up As Much As If I Found A $100 Bill On My Way Home.

I'm Learning Cuban. It's Like Spanish, But With Fewer Words For Luxury Items.

Probably The Toughest Time In Anyone's Life Is When You Have To Murder A Loved One Because They're The Devil.