I Became A Hero To Everyone Because

Writing Humor In My Column Isn't As Dangerous As Performing It. If I Fail In Front Of A Live Audience, The Humiliation Is As Great As Anything A Human Being Can Suffer.

The Reason I Don't Play Golf Is Because I Was A Caddie When I Was 13. Women Never Gave Up A Golf Ball That Was Lost Somewhere In The Trees And Thicket And Down Through The Poison Ivy. It Was During One Of These Searches That I Vowed To The Lord Above That If I Ever Earned Enough Money I Would Never Set Foot On A Course Again.

Television Has A Real Problem. They Have No Page Two. Consequently Every Big Story Gets The Same Play And Comes Across To The Viewer As A Really Big, Scary One.

Americans Are Just Beginning To Regard Food The Way The French Always Have. Dinner Is Not What You Do In The Evening Before Something Else. Dinner Is The Evening.

You Can't Make Up Anything Anymore. The World Itself Is A Satire. All You're Doing Is Recording It.