W. C. Fields, A Lifetime Agnostic, Was

Yes I Do Like Children ... Girl Children...about Eighteen Or Twenty.

When Life Hands You Lemons, Make Whisky Sours.

I Have Been In The Entertainment Business Some Forty-three Years, And I Have Never Said Anything Detrimental Or Anything That Might Be Construed As Belittling Any Race Or Religion. I Would Be A Sucker To Do So Because You Can't Insult The Customers.

What Would You Do If You Were President, And, On The First Day Of May, The Russian Ambassador Presented You With A Beautiful Cake Which Emitted A Curious Ticking Noise? Would You Plunge It Into A Pail Of Water - Thus Insulting Soviet Cuisine In General?

I Never Drink Water. I'm Afraid It Will Become Habit-forming.