The Voice In My Head Has A

I Keep Getting These People At My Shows Who Only Know Me From Television. I Can Always Tell When They're, Like, Emotionally Flinching When I Start Doing My Jokes.

I Get Recognized, But I'm Not Really A Famous Famous.

Next Time Your Lady Leaves The Room, Take A Dump On The Floor! 'cuz There Is Nothing More Mysterious Than A Dump On The Floor! And It Always Starts A Conversation, Am I Right? Honey, What Happened? You Better Hold Me 'cause I'm Afraid.

Things Have Been Invented Because Of Alcohol. Like The Taser, Okay? Yeah! The Morning After Pill, Okay? The Reach-around. Judge Judy. What Has Pot Given The World? Hackey Sack? Yeah! Hilarious Ring Tones? Oh Gah! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It Sucks To Be A Champion At A Sport That Can't Get You Laid. It's An Unneeded Skill Like, I Dunno, Being The Best Banjo Player. Or A Squirter.

I Masturbate! I Do It Like I Think If I Keep Doing It, I'm Gonna Win Something.