The Voice In My Head Has A

I Like Doing Stand-up And I Love Putting Out Tv Specials.

The More Discovery Channel You Watch, The Less Chance You Have Of Ever Meeting A Woman. Because It Fills Your Head With Odd Facts That Can Come Out At Any Moment. "hello. Did You Know Hitler Was Ticklish? That Sea Otters Have Four Nipples? Wait - Don't Run Away!"

It's A Horrible Economy But I'm Trying To Do My Part. I Just Bought A New Shower Curtain It Has All The Presidents On It. Do You Know How Hard It Is To Masturbate With All The Presidents Staring At You? And When The Water Hits Them It Looks Like They're Crying.

Sometimes You Need A Cigarette. Like After You Have Sex With A Beautiful Woman Or A Confused Young Man.

I'm Sorry, Was That Homophobic? No--i Think It Was, 'cause I Hear That A Lot. Dave, What?, You're Talking About Being Gay. You Probably Secretly Are Gay. And I'm Like Listen Voice In My Head, I'm Not! How Do You Know You Wouldn't Like It? How Do You Know You Wouldn't Like It? I Know I Wouldn't Like It, Other Scarier Voice In My Head! 'cause One Time While Making A Sandwich, A Cucumber Went Up My Ass. Three Times.