Next Time Your Lady Leaves The Room,

Things Have Been Invented Because Of Alcohol. Like The Taser, Okay? Yeah! The Morning After Pill, Okay? The Reach-around. Judge Judy. What Has Pot Given The World? Hackey Sack? Yeah! Hilarious Ring Tones? Oh Gah! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It Sucks To Be A Champion At A Sport That Can't Get You Laid. It's An Unneeded Skill Like, I Dunno, Being The Best Banjo Player. Or A Squirter.

I Like Doing Stand-up And I Love Putting Out Tv Specials. I'm Not An Actor Though, So I Don't Really Have Much Choice In The Matter.

Friends Are Important, Dontcha Think? Hmmm? I Think So. The Way I See It, You Got Friends, And You Got Your Best Friend, Big Difference. To Me, A Friend's A Guy Who Will Help You Move. A Best Friend's A Guy Who Will Help You Move A Body. That's How I Look At It.

So, I Travel A Lot. I Hate Traveling, Mostly 'cause My Dad Used To Beat Me With A Globe.

I Watch The Discovery Channel, And You Know What I've Discovered? I Need A Girlfriend.