The Only Negative About Doing Stand-up Is

Watching A Baby Being Born Is A Little Like Watching A Wet St. Bernard Coming In Through The Cat Door.

I Hope Someday We Can Stamp Out Illiteracy In America. Of Course You'll Have To Kill Alot Of My Relatives To Do It.

When I Was A Kid, My Parents Had A 900-pound Television On Top Of A Tv Tray. My Dad's Theory Was, 'let Him Pull It Over His Head A Few Times, He'll Learn.'

Country Music Is About New Love And It's About Old Love. It's About Gettin' Drunk And Gettin' Sober. It's About Leavin' And It's About Comin' Home. It's Real Music Sung By Real People For Real People, The People That Make Up The Backbone Of This Country. You Can Call Us Rednecks If You Want. We're Not Offended, 'cause We Know What We're All About. We Get Up And Go To Work, We Get Up And Go To Church, And We Get Up And Go To War When Necessary.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Highlight Of Your Parties Is When You Flip Out Your False Teeth.