The Best Things In Life Aren't Things.

People Ask What I Am Really Trying To Do With Humor. The Answer Is, "i'm Getting Even

I Don't Know Whether This Is The Best Of Times Or The Worst Of Times, But I Assure You It's The Only Time You've Got. You Can Either Sit On Your Expletive Deleted Or Pick A Daisy.

Any Company Executive Who Overcharges The Government More Than $5 Million Will Be Fined $50 Or Have To Go To Traffic School Three Nights A Week

It Was A Dangerous Profession I Had Chosen ... Because No One Likes A Funny Kid. In Fact, Adults Are Scared Silly Of Them And Tend To Warn Children Who Act Out That They Are Going To Wind Up In Prison Or Worse. It Is Only When You Grow Up That They Pay You Vast Sums Of Money To Make Them Laugh.

I Look At Life As Being Cruise Director On The Titanic. I May Not Get There, But I'm Going First Class.