Sometimes It's Hard To Tell If A

I've Never Had A Surprise Birthday Party. I've Had Every Other Type Of Surprise. I've Had Surprise Beatings, Surprise Drug Tests, Surprise Daughter I Think.

Let's Say You're In A Situation Where Crystal Meth Can Help You. Like, I Don't Know, You Have Too Many Teeth.

My Day Jobs... I Knew I Was Bad At Those, So I Didn't Really Have The Confidence To Think That I Could Do Comedy. But I Knew I Hated The Day Jobs.

Yeah, I Know, Some People Are Against Drunk Driving, And I Call Those People 'the Cops.' But You Know, Sometimes, You've Just Got No Choice; Those Kids Gotta Get To School!

I'm Not The Comic Of The Generation, I'm Not Even The Funniest Guy In My Family.