Remember, Folks, I Am A Comedian, Not

I'm On Every Worst-dressed List Imaginable.

That's Life When You're On The D-list.

I Did Feel Very Sexy And Desirable. Those Prisoners Looked At Me Like No Man Ever Did. I Don't Care How Many People They Killed.

Gwyneth Paltrow Names Her Kid Apple. I'm Not Going To Let That Stand.

But If Something Funny Happens, I Can't Resist. I Have To Tell The People.