Nice To Be Here? At My Age

First You Forget Names, Then You Forget Faces. Next You Forget To Pull Your Zipper Up And Finally, You Forget To Pull It Down.

I'm Onstage For An Hour.i Do An Hour Of Stand-up. Actually, I Do 10 Minutes Standing Up And 50 Minutes Sitting In A Chair. Oh, Occasionally, I Stand Up Again To Do A Dance Or Put Over A Song. But Mostly I Sit Down. A Great Invention, Sitting Down.

You Can't Help Getting Older, But You Don't Have To Get Old.

If I Had Taken My Doctor's Advice And Quit Smoking When He Advised Me To, I Wouldn't Have Lived To Go To His Funeral.

I Drink Coffee With My Right Hand, And I Smoke With My Left. But I Talk With Both Hands.