Nice To Be Here? At My Age

She Didn't Need To Go To Acting School To Learn That The Essence Of Acting Is To Act Like You're Not Acting.

People Ask Me What I'd Most Appreciate Getting For My Eighty-seventh Birthday. I Tell Them, A Paternity Suit.

I Don't Worry About Getting Old. I'm Old Already. Only Young People Worry About Getting Old. When I Was 65, I Had Cupid's Eczema. I Don't Believe In Dying. It's Been Done. I'm Working On A New Exit. Besides, I Can't Die Now - I'm Booked.

Be Sure To Wear A Good Cologne, A Nice Aftershave Lotion, And A Strong Underarm Deodorant. And It Might Be A Good Idea To Wear Some Clothes, Too.

In Those Days The Best Painkiller Was Ice; It Wasn't Addictive And It Was Particularly Effective If You Poured Some Whiskey Over It.