My Mother-in-law Fell Down A Wishing Well.

My Mother-in-law's So Fat That When She Passes Her Handbag From Hand To Hand She Throws It.

I Saw Six Men Kicking And Punching The Mother-in-law. My Neighbour Said 'are You Going To Help?' I Said 'no, Six Should Be Enough.'

I've Just Had Some Bad News. Tomorrow Is The Mother In Law's Funeral. And She's Cancelled It.

Mind You, I've Always Been Musical... Mother Used To Sit Me On Her Knee And I'd Whisper, 'mummy, Mummy, Sing Me A Lullaby Do,' And She'd Say: 'certainly My Angel, My Wee Bundle Of Happiness, Hold My Beer While I Fetch Me Banjo.'

I Don't Mind What The Critics Say, So Long As I Get Some Reaction. The Worst Thing Is To Be Ignored.