Mark Twain Cannot Be Defined.

Politics Has Become Incendiary. People Don't Find It So Funny Now So I Have To Be Careful, But I Have To Wake Them Up With Some Truths And The Truths I Aim At Them Are Over 100 Years Old. Facts That No One Can Dispute.

I Don't Play Golf. Mark Twain Is Golf To Me.

Man Is The Religious Animal. He Is The Only One That's Got True Religion, Several Of Them.

I Never, Ever Update Mark Twain. I Don't Modernize It. I Let The Audience Update The Material. When I Go Out On Stage, I'm Trying To Make The Audience Believe They're Looking At This Guy Who Died 104 Years Ago And Listening To Him And Saying To Themselves, "jesus, He Could Be Talking About Today." And That's The Point.

I Walked The Streets Of New York For Two Years Begging For A Job, And I Couldn't Get One.