Life Is Just A Bowl Of Pits.

It's Tough To Stay Married. My Wife Says No Because She's Tired Then Stays Up And Reads Her Book.

When I Got Back Into Show Business In 1961, I Felt - For Obvious Reasons - That Nothing In My Life Went Right, And I Realized That Millions Of People Felt The Same Way. So When I First Came Back My Catch Phrase Was "nothing Goes Right." Early On, That Was My Setup For A Lot Of Jokes.

I Don't Get No Respect

Never Tell Your Wife She's Bad In Bed. She'll Go Out And Get A Second Opinion.

I'm Sitting On Top Of The World, And I've Got Hemorrhoids.