Life Is Just A Bowl Of Pits.

My Son's An Idiot. He Sprained His Ankle Playing Golf. He Fell Off The Ballwasher.

My Boy Is A Mean Kid. I Came Home The Other Day And Saw Him Taping Worms To The Sidewalk, He Sits There And Watches The Birds Get Hernias. Well, Only Last Christmas I Gave Him A B-b Gun And He Gave Me A Sweatshirt With A Bulls-eye On The Back. I Told My Kids, "someday, You'll Have Kids Of Your Own." One Of Them Said, "so Will You."

My Parents Didn't Like Me. For Bathtub Toys They Gave Me A Blender And A Transistor Radio.

I Can't Figure Women Out. They Put On Makeup For Three Hours. They Wear Things That Make Them Smaller. Things That Make Them Bigger. Then They Meet A Man And They Want Truth.

I Tell Ya, I Know The Best Way To Get Girls. I Hang Out At Women's Prisons, And Wait For Parolees.