I'm The Most Unromantic Lump Of Northern

Slumps Don't Bother Me.

I'm Often Accused Of Saying Some Pretty Rotten Things About My Mother-in-law. But Quite Honestly, She's Only Got One Major Fault - It's Called Breathing.

I Took My Mother-in-law To Madame Tussaud's Chamber Of Horrors, And One Of The Attendants Said: 'keep Her Moving Sir; We're Stock-taking.'

Last Year My Wife Ran Off With The Fellow Next Door And I Must Admit, I Still Miss Him.

A Square Egg In A Dish Of Lentils Won't Make A Marrow Bend With The Wind, Nor Will It Make Rhubarb Grow Up The Milkmaid's Leg.