I'm Not Sexist, I'm Just A Realist.

As I Said In My Last Book, Birds Are Mean. They're The Only Pet That, When They Escape, The Owners Are Relieved. You Can Tell A Species Is Evil By Doing This Simple Math. If My Blond Lab Molly Was The Size Of T-rex, That Would Just Mean More Kibble, More Work For The Gardener In The Backyard, And A Harder Time Moving Her To My Wife's Side Of The Bed At Night. If Birds Were The Size Of A T-rex, The Streets Would Be Littered With Human Remains.

Mmm, Tastes Like Hepatitis!

I'm Not Sexist, I'm Just A Realist.

I Didn't Have Any Success In Show Business Until I Was 30 To 31 Years Of Age.

I Am Not A Good Cue Card Reader.