Mmm, Tastes Like Hepatitis!

No, I Had Not Read Any Other Comedian's Book. Not That I Don't Enjoy Other Comedians; I'm Just Not A Reader.

Wearing Crocs Is Like Getting Blown By A Dude. It Feels Great Until You Look Down And Realize You're Gay.

I've Never Not Finished A Masturbatory Session Or A Pizza. Those Are The Two Things I've Never Left Behind.

I Like My Parents But They Are Just Not Good Parents. They Are Nice Enough People. I'm Not Interested In Hurting Their Feelings.

Everything Seems Overwhelming When You Stand Back And Look At The Totality Of It. I Build A Lot Of Stuff And It Would All Seem Impossible If I Didn't Break It Down Piece By Piece, Stage By Stage. The Best Gift You Can Give Yourself Is Some Drive--that Thing Inside Of You That Gets You Out The Door To The Gym, Job Interviews, And Dates. The Believe-in-yourself Adage Is Grossly Overrated.