I'm A Jerk, That's Who I Am.

Hey, I May Loathe Myself, But It Has Nothing To Do With The Fact That I'm Jewish.

You Know, When You Do Standup There Are Certain Requirements That You Have To Do Like You Have To Go On Stage And When You Get Introduced You Have To Say "hey,how Ya Doin'? How Are Ya?" I Couldn't Do It. It Was False.

I Still Think Of That Guy I Was Without A Wife Or Kids, And I Still Want To Entertain That Guy. The Lonely Guy, The Frustrated Guy, The Guy With No Money - This Is The Guy Who Needs To Laugh.

I’d Rather Have The Thieves Than The Neighbors - The Thieves Don't Impose. Thieves Just Want Your Things, Neighbors Want Your Time.

I Gave A Funny Speech At My Wife's Birthday Party, And I'm Thinking, 'hey, I've Still Got It.'