If You Live To Be One Hundred,

I Use The Cigar For Timing Purposes. If I Tell A Joke, I Smoke As Long As They Laugh And When They Stop Laughing I Take The Cigar Out Of My Mouth And Start My Next Joke.

I've Been A Straight Man For So Many Years That From Force Of Habit I Repeat Everything. I Went Out Fishing With A Fellow The Other Day And He Fell Overboard. He Yelled, Help! Help! Help! So I Said, Help? Help? Help? And While I Was Waiting For Him To Get His Laugh, He Drowned.

My Major Contribution To The Format Was To Suggest That I Be Able To Step Out Of The Plot And Speak Directly To The Audience, And Then Be Able To Go Right Back Into The Action. That Was An Original Idea Of Mine; I Know It Was Because I Originally Stole It From Thornton Wilder's Play Our Town.

If I Paid $3 Or $4 For A Cigar, First I'd Sleep With It.

When I Was A Boy The Dead Sea Was Only Sick.