If You Live Below Your Means, You

Are They Real Fires? Or Are People Just Reacting To Something? Just Because There’s An Alarm Going Doesn’t Mean It’s A Fire. And I Think That People Are Confusing The Two. It’s Only A Fire When It Offends The Fans, And The Fans Turn On You. Tosh Has Fans, And They Get The Joke. If You’ve Watched Enough Tracy Morgan, You Let The Worst Thing Go By. When Did Tracy Morgan Become Walter Cronkite? You Have To Mean Something To Me To Offend Me. You Can’t Break Up With Me If We Don’t Date.

Comedy Is The Blues For People Who Can’t Sing.

Everyone Has Favorite Criminals. Mine Are Pimps. We Can All Rob A Bank; We Can All Sell Drugs. Being A Pimp Is A Whole Other Thing.

I Never Wanted To Churn It Out. Comedians Tend To Work All The Time. They Never Put It Down Like Musicians Who Might Make An Album Then Take Three Or Four Years Off To Recharge Their Batteries. Comedians Tend To Work Straight Through And They Get Stale Because Of That. Even When I Didn't Have A Lot Of Money I Never Ever Did It Unless I Had Something New To Say.

My Relationship With My Daughter Is Gonna Affect Her Relationship With Men For The Rest Of Her Life... Sometimes I'm Walking With My Daughter. I'm Pushing Her In The Stroller, And Sometimes I Just Pick Her Up And Stare At Her, And I Realize, My Only Job In Life Is To Keep Her Off The Pole.