If You Had A Friend Who Was

Alcoholism Is The Only Disease That You Can Get Yelled At For Having.

I Wish I Could Play Little League Now. I'd Be Way Better Than Before.

If I Was A Mechanic And Someone Called Me And Said Their Car Would Not Start, I Would Say, "hey - Maybe A Killer Is After You!"

I Guess The One-liner Kind Of Comic Sounds Like A Guy Who Can Talk And Talk And Whatever The Subject Is, He Can Pull Out A One-liner, But I Couldn't Do That. I Didn't Like The Association. I Mean, I Love Steven Wright, But So Many People Started Saying "steven Wright" To Me, And I Would Get Mad, Because I Never Wanted To Be Thought Of As Copying Anybody.

If You Have To Release Bad News To The Public, It Would Help If You Are Not Ugly.