I Wish To Thank My Parents For

When I Was A Little Boy And Played Liebestraum, My Father Used To Hit Me On The Head With A Newspaper Every Time I Slopped The Cadenza . . . I Hate Liebestraum.

The Elephant Smoked Too Much.(explaining Why The Keys Of His Piano Were So Yellow)

I Do Not Have A Single White Note On My Piano; My Elephant Smoked Too Much.

If I Have Caused Just One Person To Wipe Away A Tear Of Laughter, That's My Reward.

The Conductor Is A Peculiar Person. He Turns His Back On His Friends In The Audience, Shakes A Stick At His Players In The Orchestra, And Then Wonders Why Nobody Loves Him.