He Taught Me Never To Smile, Which

Cell Phones Are Like A Dog's Nipples... You Don't Have To Shout Into Them!

You Should Get Married. When I Was Younger, I Was Into The Fame And Fortune, And Now I Realize That A Loving Wife And Happy Children - That's Life's Greatest Consolation Prize.

I've Always Had A Special Place In My Heart For Old Women Digging Through Garbage Bins. They Saved My Life So Many Times As A Baby.

My Parents Were Very Protective. I Couldn't Even Cross The Street Without Them Getting All Excited, And Placing Bets.

Women: You Can't Live With Them, And You Can't Get Them To Dress Up In A Skimpy Little Nazi Costume And Beat You With A Warm Squash Or Something.