I Want To Launch A Globe Into

I Set A Personal Record On Christmas. I Got My Shopping Done Three Weeks Ahead Of Time. I Had All The Presents Back At My Apartment, I Was Halfway Through Wrapping Them, And I Realized, 'damn, I Used The Wrong Wrapping Paper.' The Paper I Used Said, 'happy Birthday.' I Didn't Want To Waste It, So I Just Wrote 'jesus' On It.

Thing To Try: If You Are Asked To Describe A Suspect To A Police Sketch Artist, Describe In Precise Detail, The Features Of The Police Sketch Artist. This Is One Of The Rare Instances Where Two People Can Do One Self-portrait.

I Wish My Name Started With A Comma. That Would Be So Dramatic.

It Turns Out Dentists Don't Like It Very Much When You Show Up For A Cleaning In Full Vampire Gear.

But Long Story Short, I Didn't Start Doing Stand-up Because I Wanted To Have A Tv Show Or Be An Actor Or Even Wanted To Write Sketch Comedy. I Got Into Stand-up Because I Love Stand-up.