I Want To Get A Job Naming

Onions Make Me Sad, A Lot Of People Don't Realize That. When I'm Cutting Onions, I'm Sad. Because The Plight Of Onions, It's Sad. But People Don't Realize I'm Actually Crying - They Think I'm Just Reacting.

If Spiderman Was Real, And I Was A Criminal, And He Shot Me With His Web, I Would Say, "dude, Thanks For The Hammock."

I Travel With A Boom Box. When I Get On A Plane, I Stuff The Power Cord For The Boom Box Into The Battery Compartment. From An Outsider's Point Of View, It Looks Like I've Got It All Wrong.

A Friend Said To Me, "i Think The Weather Is Trippy." I Said, "no, Man, It's Not The Weather That's Trippy, Perhaps It's The Way We Perceive It." And Then I Realized I Just Should Have Said, "yeah."

You Know When You See An Advertisement For A Casino, And They Have A Picture Of A Guy Winning Money? That's False Advertising, Because That Happens The Least. That's Like If You're Advertising A Hamburger, They Could Show A Guy Choking. "this Is What Happened Once."