I Spent All Night Feeding The Homeless

People Say It's Easy To Make Fun Of Retarded People, But It's Not. You Really Have To Explain It To Them.

The Best Way To Break Up With A Girl Is Like I'm Taking Off A Band-aid. Slowly And In The Shower.

I’m Not A Religious Person; I Would Call Myself An Atheist. I Don’t Have A Good Story Behind It, I’m Just Reasonable.

I Wish My Family Had Taken More Pictures When I Was Growing Up. Instead Of Always Having To Draw Everything.

Every Comic Went Through Their Mitch Hedberg Phase - The Glasses, The Hair In The Face - And You Knew Immediately When They Were Doing It.