I Spent All Night Feeding The Homeless

I Love Austin, But Last Time I Was In Town For Twelve Hours. I Was Exhausted, Drunk And Miserable. But None Of That Was Austin's Fault.

I've Got A Kid In Africa That I Feed, That I Clothe, That I School, That I Inoculate For 75 Cents A Day. Which Is Practically Nothing Compared To What It Cost To Send Him There.

There Is Nothing That's Off Limits. If People Think Something Is Off Limits, I Make It My Business To Go Make A Joke About It; That's My Job.

She Got Really Mad A Month Ago, Because She Had E-mailed Me A Naked Picture Of Herself - Which Is A Nice Thing To Do - But Then I Messed Up, And I Accidentally Forwarded That E-mail To Both Of My Parents. Now, My Girlfriend Is Furious, Mortified, But I Don't Even Care, 'cause Now I Have To Call Up My Mother And Say 'mom, I Am So Sorry - That Picture Was Just For Dad.'

I Spent All Night Feeding The Homeless To Dogs.