I Spent All Night Feeding The Homeless

Every Year I Volunteer At A Hospital On Thanksgiving, Deep-frying Turkeys In The Children's Burn Unit. I Do It Just To See The Looks On Their Little "faces."

I'm A Realist All The Way. I'm Too Cynical To Be An Optimist. But I've Lived Too Much Of A Charmed Life So Far To Ever Be A Pessimist.

Im Not The Voice Of Reason; Im More The Guy Using These Offensive Topics As Fodder To Raise Tension In A Joke.

We Just Found Out My Little Brother Has A Peanut Allergy, Which Is Very Serious I Know. But Still I Feel Like My Parents Are Totally Overreacting - They Caught Me Eating A Tiny Little Bag Of Airline Peanuts And They Kicked Me Out Of His Funeral.

If Your House Is On Fire And You Can Only Escape With Your Life And One Thing, What One Thing Would You Take Out Of Your House? I Got To Think My Laptop Is The One Thing That Is Totally Irreplaceable. Either That Or My Son. Laptop. I'll Go Laptop.