I Think My Friend Jeff Is Gay.

I Could See Myself Adopting A Kid Someday. But, Obviously, I'd Prefer It To Be Aborted.

The World Is Full Of Horrible Things That Will Eventually Get You And Everything You Care About. Laughter Is A Universal Way To Lift Your Head Up And Say: 'not Today, You Bastards.'

I Try To Write Three Jokes Every Morning, Although I Don't Know What They Are. I Write Them As Fast As I Can, Then I Put Them Away For A Month. So I Couldn't Even Tell You What They Are, Or If They're Good. I Just Assume They Weren't.

I Want To Get A Tattoo Of The Word Irony, Only Misspelled.

I Have A Twelve Year Old Sex Doll. Brand New.