I Think My Friend Jeff Is Gay.

My Ex-girlfriend Owned A Parakeet…oh My God, That F**king Thing Would Never Shut Up. But The Bird Was Cool.

I'm Actually A Really Nice Guy, Once You Get To Blow Me.

When I Was Little, I Would Burn Ants With A Magnifying Glass. But Now That I'm Older, I'm More Of A Cat Guy.

Every Comic Went Through Their Mitch Hedberg Phase - The Glasses, The Hair In The Face - And You Knew Immediately When They Were Doing It.

You Look Like You Deep Fry Your Hands Before You Bite Your Fingernails.