I Just Don't Accept Midgets As Human

I Was Talking To Jesus, And I Said, Jesus, I Feel Like No One Will Ever Accept Me. And Jesus Looked At Me And Said, You Know What My Theory Is? Accept Me Or Go To Hell.

Comedy Historians Take Note: This Gottfried Character Doesn't Have The Best Eye For Detail - And, For A Jew, He Doesn't Have The Best Eye For Retail, Either.

Every Time I Give A Straight Answer And Read It In A Magazine, I Say, 'ouch.' One Day I'd Like To Talk To A Psychoanalyst About Why Celebrities Reveal So Much Of Themselves In Interviews.

I'm One Of Those People, In Any Country I'm In, If Somebody Could Just Put Me In A Car Or A Bus, I'll Look Out The Window And Say, 'ok, There's The Tower Of London, There's Buckingham Palace, There's Big Ben,' And If It All Takes About Five Minutes, Perfect. I've Seen All Of It And I Can Go Home.

I Always Feel That Most Political Jokes, If You're Going To Do Them, You Have To Do Them Within The Next Five Minutes, Or Else They're Outdated. By The Time You've Got It To The Point That It's Strong, It Would Be 12 Years Old.