I Had Never Done A Roast, But

I Say God Bless You... I Don't Say Bless You... I'm Not The Lord. I Can't Do That...

When Someone's Running Late Through An Airport, I Hope They Miss Their Flight So They Can Meet The Love Of Their Life At The Duty Free Shop.

My Professional Dreams Were Coming True While I Was Living A Personal Nightmare.

Here's The Thing About Red Sox Fans, Or Actually Just Fans From That Region, In General: They Appreciate The Effort. And If You Mail It In Or If You Give 80 Percent, Even With A Win, They'll Let You Know That's Not How You Do It. They Want - If It's Comedian, If It's A Musician, Bring Us Your Best Show.

I Don't Know If I Could Kill Someone With A Frozen Turkey Because That Is A Lot Of Evidence To Eat .... Unless I Found A Whole Room Of People Who Also Wanted That Person Dead.