I Got Home From Work Today And

I Live My Life Like There's No Yesterday.

We Never Had A Pool, Right. So One Summer, I Remember. My Dad, To Make Me Happy. You Know I Was Bummed Out Cause We Didn't Have The Pool. So One Summer He Bought Us This Thing. It Was Yellow, You Laid It On The Lawn, Sprayed It With The Water, Run Across. Slip N' Slide. Yeah. Would Have Been Fun If Dad Checked For Rocks Before He Laid It Down! Slip N' Bleed From The Anus They Should Have Called This Ride.

There Was A Girl I Loved In High School - But Never Spoke To. Cut To My Five-year Reunion: I'm An Entirely Different Person.

After You Have Loss In Your Life And After You Experience Something Like Losing Your Parents, The Greatest Gift Of That Was It Prepared Me For [anything]. Nothing Else Is As Scary, And Certainly Stand-up Comedy Is Not As Scary As Sitting There With Your Mom And Having To Have Last Conversations And Things Like That. It's Heavy Stuff, But It's Enlightening Because It Makes Me Think I Shouldn't Be Afraid Of Sharing Ideas And Thoughts With People. It's The Yin And The Yang Of Life.

I'm Sure That People Who Have Been Tweeting Funny Things Have Ended Up On Writing Staffs Of A Late Night Show.