I Certainly Do Not Drink All The

Ain't Fit For Man Nor Beast

I Always Made Up My Own Acts; Built Them Out Of My Knowledge And Observation Of Real Life. I'd Had Wonderful Opportunities To Study People; And Every Time I Went Out On The Stage I Tried To Show The Audience Some Bit Of True Human Nature.

You Can Fool Some Of The People Some Of The Time -- And That's Enough To Make A Decent Living.

I've Been Drunk Only Once In My Life. But That Lasted For Twenty-three Years.

Never Give A Sucker An Even Break.